I always find money in public phones-when I bring a screwdriver along. -Linda Herskovic

Weather Forecast for tonight: dark. -George Carlin

I come from a typical Americal family. You know, me, my brother her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage. My step-sister. Her illegitimate son. -Carol Henry

I don't go to church no more. It's getting too expansive. Too many plates, man. They pass eighteen plates. I pull out a plate for myself. Pass it over here. I need some help. -Earthquake

Let's all go someplace at onece. Act like it's a complete coincidence. They're just having a rush. We don't even know each other. We're just looking at some frozen foods. Then one at a time, we each go up and buy a Slim Jim. Screw up their inventory. -Paula Poundstone

I worry about the garms in the hokes of bowling balls. Nobody cleacs those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell. -Carolyn May

I bought a second hand car, I mean, a second hand truck. To be precise, a second hand Ice Cream truck. The good thing is, it came with the "Mr. Ice Cream" sticker, the bad news is, it didn't came with loaded ice-cream. Rip off -Keni

Just got off the road. My flying Saucer Tour. Like flying saucers. I've been appearing in small southern towns. -Bill Hicks

Life is something you do when you can't go to sleep. -Anonymous

More jokes coming soon, if you've got one you wanna share, mail it to [email protected].