Sorry, I can't "spaell" -Anonymous

I had a club foot and I had a brace... I walked with a limp. Thank God I lived in the ghetto. The people that didn't know me though I was cool. "Hey, check out this brother's walk." -Damon Wayans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave it up. No, not drinking, I gave up reading. -LmMoi

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. -Roseanne

In 1969, I was six years old. My father joined Nation of Islam. Six years old. Suddenly there's no Christmas and we have to fast for a month. -Bobby Slayton

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

Why are our days numberer and not, say.. lettered? -Woody Allen

Ever say something and wish you could take it back? "Yeah. I'm a Jew. What are you skinheads going to do about it?" -Greg Rogell

Do you know how many polyesters died to make that shirt? -Steve Martin

I have to tell you, the older I get, the more eating replace sex. Last weekend I installed a mirror over the dining roon table. -Rodney Dangerfield

I like computer and hockey. I don't like bugs and basketball. And I if you like me come marry me. blah blah blah. And by the way my blood type is A positive. -Made-up "Video Dating" speech

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